I feel sad for you because you seem obsessed with outer beauty, even though you try to be "different" and pretend that those things don't matter.

 

You put down the girls who have perfect hair, perfect bodies, big boobs... girls that look like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.  But then all you talk about is how you used to be a size 3 and now you're a size 8.  And you talk about how "fat" you are and how back in the day (which is what?  five years ago?) you were so skinny and so hot and wore all these cute little skirts and thigh-highs.

 

You talk about other girls and about how chubby and fat they are... and they're you're friends!  You talk about others and always find a flaw with them, which makes me wonder about you.  Are you so ashamed of your own flaws that you have to point out everyone else's to make you look better?  I wonder what you say about me to others.

 

I don't want to know about how well-traveled you are, how skilled in martial arts you are, how many different sexual positions you've done, how much money you stand to inherit, etc etc.

 

Again, I beg you... please, just shut up.

 

...

Do you like me?  Circle one:

YES                             NO                             MAYBE

Because I'm thinking of breaking up with Friday, and I wondered if you wanted to go to the dance with me?  I think you're awfully swell!  <3<3<3

Thinking of you,
...

You're a great day.  I often look forward to seeing you again and again and again.  You give me hope, you give me joy, you give me paychecks.  But I think we need to talk.

 

You see, I notice as we've become more comfortable with each other over the years, you've sort of "relaxed" your duties.  Remember when you used to just fly by... with no cares in the world?  Remember when our relationship was completely stress free and we were like dandelion fuzzies blowing in the wind?

 

But now, Friday.  Now you just sit around and take your sweet time to get through.  You don't make it fun for me.  You just stress me out to the point where I think I dislike you very much.

 

For instance... why is it necessary to have made the last 2 hours seem like 12 days?  I know, without a doubt, you will make the last 1.5 hours of my job feel as if it'll never end.

 

Friday, you need to get your act together because I'm tired of this and if I can't get what I need from you... you can be sure, baby, that I'll be getting it from some other day.  Saturday is looking really good right now.

 

Yours unhappily,

...

I have decided you are insane.  You are currently losing your mind and trying to take all the rest of us with you.

 

I will not let his happen.

 

Before you take me down, I will kung-fu chop you into little pieces of fried rice!  Oh yes.  And then I will stop sharing candy with you.

 

What do you think of that, crazy lady?  Hmm?  What do you think of those apples?!

 

Don't make me pull a hi-ya! on your ass.  Cuz I'll do it, dammit!

 

Anyway, I just want you to know that you're driving us crazy.  And you need a serious vacation, nutso.

 

Ungratefully yours,

...

Don't get me wrong, you're pretty ok... but when I'm eating lunch, I'd really appreciate you not telling me about the one time you did a monthly long "cleansing" of your body and how you realized that there are things in our bodies, especially our colons, that really shouldn't be there.  And that you were able to visually see this in your um... "stools".

 

If you do this again, I may be forced to tell you about the big, bloody clump that came out of my vagina this month. 

 

Thanks,

...